Just attention seeking
There are loads of ways to get attention, it’s pretty easy. Self-injury isn’t about that.
I used to have purple dreadlocks, walk around town in a long Doctor Who scarf and read people’s auras at parties. And my real name is Wedge. Getting attention was easy.
My self-injury was completely private. It was a secret from even my closest friends.
Self-injury may well be an indicator that a person actually needs attention – that is, help and support; but scratching, pricking, picking, branding, burning, banging, bruising, biting and cutting are not done to get attention, they’re done to cope with overwhelming emotional distress and acute stress, or to manage anxiety or depression (and related illnesses).
I felt ashamed of my mental health struggles; I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did or why I acted the way I did. I didn’t want my friends to think badly of my, especially as many of them thought (I assume) that I was a good guy to talk to, and quite fun in most ways. I didn’t want to push any of my friends away – I desperately needed them in my life. I knew of no help or support that was available to me. It took me years to think of going to my doctor. So I hid my depression as best I could, and I managed my anxiety as best I could – I drove my feelings deep down and relied on self-injury for relief and release.
I didn’t feel I was allowed to express my sadness, my confusion, my despair. I found that self-expression was incredibly important for my health and happiness, and I expressed my identity as best I could through the development of my artistic, writing and inter-personal skills, as well as the more facile avenues of dress and personal style. My only outlet for my emotional turbulence (I felt) was my private act of self-injury.
Oh, and if you have purple dreadlocks, piercings, a Lamborghini, a trench coat, a three-piece suit, or walk with an umbrella on sunny days – in no way do I imply that your self-expression is attention seeking. I salute your style. I have a fedora in my wardrobe that I don’t wear because I’m afraid of what people will think – so it’s me that still needs the confidence boost.
4 Comments
Rachel
November 10, 2012I always find it odd how people can think of self-injuring as attention seeking. The majority of time you do so so much to make sure scars or cuts don’t attract attention, it’s almost laughable that people may think differently.
jasmine-kahlia
November 5, 2012it is so refreshing to hear that you don’t always fit the stereotype of a ‘cutter’ or ‘selfharmer’ because there is no stereotype. i have lived with SI for 12 years [im 21 now] and been through many different experiences which i felt maybe my friends or family would not understand. which left me alone with only SI to ‘console me’.
i never felt as if i was important, and had very low self esteem from a young age. dressing up and wearing sunglasses made me feel so much better sometimes, as if i was important. it still does, to be fair. so, my battle with SI was ‘cyclical’ if thats the right word, so it wasnt every day since the age of 9 i found it happened more in the stressful areas of my life, after bullying and after abusive relationships etc.
like Wedge i have had my fair share of fashion dramas and style experiments which i got positive attention from, but i would often be terrified at the thought of someone discovering underneath all the brightly coloured clothes and gobby attitude that i had a destructive SI problem.
Its hard to explain to people around you sometimes about whats going on. For me, i felt as if i was wasting peoples time by banging on about my own problems. But even when you feel no one else will listen, you have to listen to yourself and find ways to make yourself happy and enjoy life the way you want to. You are the priority.
i’ve noticed that a lot of us with SI are actually quite creative and quite intelligent and absolutely gorgeous!
[and confidence? fake it until your whole body believes it :) trust me…]
we usually think we’re not good enough, and we’re anxious, and we’re alone. it breaks my heart because i know we’re especially special and need extra care. if you do battle with SI, talking about it to someone you trust definitely helps. oh, and dressing up.
my favourite quote is ‘the best reason to get dressed up is because you woke up today’ :) and guys can dress up too lol! as long as you feel sexy in your own body you can overcome SI !
loads of love and kisses,
jasmine-kahlia. <3
Jason
November 5, 2012This is a great little read.
to share own experience i believe that too many people, even professionals who are supposed to be there to help, are very quick to label SI of all kinds as attention seeking.
i’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for about 8 years now amd in the beginning i knew of no other way to release my feelings than through cutting myself.
after a while i slipped up and my parents noticed the marks (i always covered them but my shirt rode up) amd after a short time was forced to visit a doctor.
I didnt know what i was feeling, didn’t understand i was depressed and very quickly the doctor assumed i was just attention seeking and simply pushed me aside.
I can’t help but think if she hadn’t made that assumption that i’d maybe have got help back then and might be further along the process of gaining good mental health.
I’m 6 years on from that now and on medication and frequently visiting my doctor (yes the same one) and am now on the road to good health.
I just hope this can be a warning that even the professionals can be judgmental and something must be done to stop it!
-Jason-
Jules
November 5, 2012Thank you Wedge for sharing your personal struggles and highlighting the very private turmoil that people who self-injure can go through. I’m sure that many people, including myself, can relate to your experiences.
I spent years with my hair dyed purple or pink or blue; I have piercings, and for a long time I wore nothing but black. I felt that I didn’t really fit in, that I was different; and I too didn’t feel that I could express my inner distress. In some ways my outward appearance was an expression of all of those feelings.
I used to think that my appearance was a wall; that it would keep people away. But when I think back now it actually had the opposite affect. It drew people, especially vulnerable people, towards me. It seemed that everywhere I went people would start up a conversation. I have heard several life stories from people at railway stations and in supermarker queues!
So, whether I desired it or not, my personal style gave me attention. But my self-injury is something quite different, and has always been hidden, secret, private. It is not something I would ever have considered as a way of gaining attention.
My life has changed now, and I am unable to express myself in the same way with my appearance. I have to conform to rules and regulations, and my scars can no longer be hidden. I hate it. I’m very happy for people to see me as different and eccentric. But to know that that they see my scars; that they can see my pain, causes me distress and shame and embarrassment. I do not want that kind of attention. Few people who self-injure ever do.
P.S. Awesome fedora :)
Jules