An article by Naëlle.

Sometimes, I daydream horrible events that could happen to me, just because this would give me the right to relapse – to stop fighting, to stop trying, to lay down. I’m ashamed of it. Still, I haven’t myself for almost a year.

It was – it is – a struggle. My therapist told me that maybe the urge to hurt will follow me, even though I now have the ressources to resist the urge when it comes.

Self-injury feels like part of me, like it will always be a possible response to pain, as well as the scars are written on my skin – scars of pain, self-hate, despair, punishment, emptyness, the search for one moment of relief…

I did not really choose to cut myself when I was 13. I just did.

But I chose not to cut myself anymore when I was 25. It took a while for this decision to become real and genuine, it was twisted and complicated for so many reasons, and there were some relapses.

It’s a way to cope. It’s a bad way, coz it’s harmfull, it’s disrespecfull against oneself and it doesn’t solve anything – on the contrary -, but sometimes it can be the only way to survive this moment ; the only way not to explode under the pressure of too much emotions. Healthy ways to cope are not necessarily easy or obvious ; sometimes, you have to learn them, and learn how to choose them over your old bad ways.

This secret is hard to share. I wish everyone who has ever felt the urge to self-harm to have near them someone who doesn’t judge, someone who offers a hand.

Because we deserve respect as much a anyone else. When we cut, we’re basically just humans in pain.

Naëlle

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