People of any age can turn to self-injury, it isn’t a ‘teen thing’.
Before discussing adult self-injury, we should first clarify what the word ‘adult’ might mean. Generally it might refer to age, and for the most part this article is aimed towards people who are older in years. But ‘adult’ can also relate to responsibility, and at LifeSIGNS we are only too aware that there are many younger people who live very adult lives, and who face responsibilities and challenges far beyond their years. So whatever your age, if you consider yourself to be living an adult life, then these words are for you.
We hope by now we’ve managed to get the message across that self-injury isn’t a ‘teen thing’, and that people of all ages might rely on self-injury in order to cope. While younger and older people share many of the same challenges in life and with their self-injury, there are also different difficulties to face by people at different stages in their life.
Perceptions
Because self-injury is often perceived as something ‘young people’ do, older adults can feel that it is something they should have ‘grown out’ of. These feelings can be even more difficult when an older person has turned to self-injury for the first time, rathe than discovering self-injury in their youth.
The media
Although increasingly willing to raise awareness about self-injury, the media still focus on young people far too much. Even television programmes that include a self-injury storyline either tend to be programmes aimed at young people, or focus on a young person self-injuring. This sends out an inaccurate message, and increases feelings of isolation in older people who self-injure.
Less help
If you are older, it might feel that there are fewer organisations out there that can help you. There seems to be a lot of mental health and support related organisations that cater to people under 25; but if you’re over 25 it can be more difficult to find somewhere that you feel you ‘belong’. Often, funding for projects and support services is literally ring-fenced for the government’s or sector’s definition of ‘young people’, meaning that organisations are more likely to get funding / budgets if they develop services for young people.
Resources, funding, and the attitudes of some healthcare professionals, may make it more difficult for older people to obtain the professional help they need.
Young adults, once they hit a certain age, may find they lose vital support and resources that they had been relying on.
Friends and loved ones
Friends / loved ones of adults may be less likely to be educated surrounding the subject of self-injury, making it more difficult for an adult to bring up the subject with loved ones.
Also, whereas young people are encouraged to talk about their self-injury with parents and loved ones, adults have to consider just who they can turn to.
Responsibilities
Adults, in general, have more responsibilities than young people. Whereas young people are usually the ones who are cared for, quite often adults find that they are only ‘carers’ and are not ‘cared for’ themselves. This not only means that they may receive less support, but it also means they have a responsibility to maintain their caring roles, while attempting to also care for themselves.
When a young person finds themselves in a caring role, the burden can be even greater. They are at a time of their lives when they are supposed to be the one being cared for, and yet while their friends might be living the ‘normal’ life that young people need, they find they are forced to take on adult responsibilities. This is damaging not only because they tend to miss out on the ‘fun’ side of youth necessary for emotional balance and wellbeing, but also because they don’t yet have the life experience needed to cope with such responsibilities.
This is also true for young people who although may not have to care for others, neither are they cared for themselves. Some young people are left to fend for themselves, without the support, nurturing and guidance necessary for emotional balance, growth and wellbeing. It’s not surprising that life can feel overwhelming.
Shame and secrecy
Considering all these matters, shame and secrecy, while common in anyone who self-injures, may be even more burdensome for older people.
Time
Adults who are juggling careers / families / finances may have less time for themselves than some younger people, making it more difficult for them to engage in hobbies and activities that can enhance health and happiness and provide much needed distraction.
Similarly, young people forced to cope with adult responsibilities will not have the time they need for themselves. They may have to care for others, or they may have to juggle school with a job and household responsibilities. We don’t mean the usual responsibilities that a young person might expect, such as household chores, helping care for younger sibblings occasionally, or working to earn money for themselves. We’re talking about people who run their households, or are the sole carer for another person, or who are forced to work in order to financially support others. These people are far less likely to have the time they need to care for themselves.
The feelings of loneliness, isolation and lack of time can be even more enhanced for young people in these situations, because they are only too aware that their lives are not the norm, and that their peers are leading a far more care-free life.
Drivers
Because of their increased life experience and more complex daily lives, adults (or young people living with adult responsibilities) may have a wider range of ‘drivers’ that could lead to self-injury.
How we can help
Whatever your age or responsibilities, you are not alone. People of all ages and in all kinds of circumstances turn to self-injury in order to cope. And everyone deserves help and support.
LifeSIGNS is a fully inclusive organisation and our members range from young teenagers to older people who have retired. Our resources are written for ‘people’ who are affected by self-injury, and we offer guidance and support for everyone.
Whether you need advice for moving away from self-injury, distraction techniques, hiding scars, obtaining professional help, talking to loved ones, getting through the urge to self-injure, or just somewhere to talk about the things that are going on your life, we are here for you.
We are constantly looking to improve and increase the resources we offer to people who self-injure. So whether you’re an adult in years, or a young person living an adult life, we’d appreciate hearing from you. If you’d like to share your own personal story with our members, or if you have suggestions for ways in which we could improve our resources to help more people like you, or if you’d like to challenge or discuss any of the points raised in this article, then please do contact us.
162 Comments
Bel
July 1, 2017Thinking of you it sounds rough. I’ve hit myself too ..extreme stress brings it on.
Cerbian
June 6, 2017I am in my forties and have been hitting myself for as long as I can remember. It comes from toxic negativity from my family (insults, name calling, emotional and mental abuse) and what I swear is Tourette’s syndrome. It seems my frustration is triggered by excessive clumsiness and inability to focus. When it happens too much and it suddenly seems like I’m having trouble with the simplest things, I snap on myself. I have heard every bit of advice under the sun, and none of it has helped because people have not lived my life or know what my insecurities or motivations are. I’m tired of people telling me how to feel and saying “everybody has that problem”. If it was the same problem, I wouldn’t be hitting myself.
Liz
June 2, 2017I used to self harm when I was a teenager. I just wanted to feel something. Anything. I am now in my 40s and have been fighting the temptation for a couple weeks now. I actually lost that battle the other night. I did tell my husband (which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done) what I was doing so hopefully he can hold me accountable for my actions. So I won’t do it. I think I might be broken again. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. I’m not sure what to even do about it.
Wedge
June 6, 2017Liz, it sounds like something is happening around you that’s made you feel out-of-control, small, and in distress. Perhaps something like when you were a teen. Can you and your husband improve what’s going on?
Julie
June 1, 2017Hello I’m Julie just moved house I’m feeling all alone haven’t self harmed yet but feel like it
Kimberly
May 31, 2017Thank you for the tips. Ive made an appt to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and let her know about this newly developed self harming urge.
Mello
May 30, 2017I think I was abused when I was young. I’ve started having memories of things that happened – or I’m sick and imagining them.
I’ve hurt myself a few times over recent months. I have no idea why and I feel so much shame about it.
Last night I was so very close to doing it again. Then I found this site. I managed to get through those feelings without doing anything for the first time.
I wish I understood why I have started to feel the need do it though.
Wedge
May 30, 2017Hello Mello
You really need to talk to a counsellor who understands such things. Memory is a delicate thing, and I understand how you might be confused. Listen, you’re in distress and you need and deserve help.
I’m glad our website could help you on this ocassion, it’s great that you looked after yourself like that.
Bron
May 30, 2017Hi Been on and off cutting myself. I’m in my forties. Lately it’s become more frequent.
Saw my GP and showed him. And he is looking into more special help. How can you stop the intense urges.
Wedge
May 30, 2017Hello Bronte, I’m glad you’re seeking real-life help. Has something happened to make you turn to self-injury more often? Could you talk to someone about what’s going on in your life.
For help with the urges, we have to learn alternative ways to cope with our feelings. We offer a lot of ideas in our ‘Help‘ section, but please also look at ‘Surfing the urge‘ and ‘the 15 min rule‘.
Kimberly
May 26, 2017I’m in my forties, started cutting a couple weeks ago out of the blue to help cope with the severe pain, anxiety, and depression that is currently my existence. I’m trying hard to understand this “need” I feel to do this to myself.
Wedge
May 26, 2017Hello Kimberly, a sa way of coping, some people feel it releases and relieves them of overwhelming emotions. But it’s not a solution, and self-injury can become a serious concern for you, on top of everything else that’s ggoing on for you.
Please read ‘who self-injures‘ and ‘pre-cursors to self-injury‘ and ‘surfing the urge‘ to help yuou consider your behaviour.
I strongly suggest you talk to someone about the anxiety and depression; you can get help, and then maybe you could get help and support for self-injury too.
Lo
May 20, 2017I’m and adult and have started self harming recently. It’s never when I’m upset or angry, it’s afterwards when I’ve calmed down, or sometimes out of the blue. I don’t do it for a release… it’s the wounds afterwards that give me that release I think, looking at them and being able to feel them… Having those secret cuts to look at make me feel in control and more present rather than detached. I’m so glad this site exists, I feel less alone.
Abadday
April 28, 2017Hi, I have been self harming for years. I sometimes feel like I do it to feel sorry for myself. Everyone in life deals with stress and we all go through things, so why is it that I feel the need to cut. Why when I am going through a hard time the thought of harming myself consumes me. My boyfriend and I have been going through a hard time and today he “caught me in the act.” I feel so embarrassed. when I told him everything he called me selfish. When he said that it made my heart hurt so bad which made me want to cut again. I don’t know what to do:(
Wedge
May 3, 2017Hello Abadday
What’s wrong with feeling sorry for yourself? If a friend was struggling in life, wouldn’t you worry about them? It’s the same for yourself. When your worried about yourself, it’s a sign that something needs to change.
Self-harm holds us back – it helps us cope with overhwelming feelings for a few minutes, but it doesn’t fix anything.
It’s time you took action to address the underlying unhappiness you’re feeling. You need help, especially at this time in your life.
Your boyfriend may not understand that self-injury is a coping mechanism – it’s hard for some people to understand, isn’t it? What you need is other options – other ways of coping. Please browse our ‘Help’ section and choose to adopt several new ways of coping.
Let your boyfirend see our website so he can understand that you’re not alone in this.
But beyond developing new ways of coping, you need to address the underlying issues.
V
April 24, 2017Did It again today. I’m scared because I enjoyed it and somehow made it seem mundane so it suddenly felt normal. PTSD sucks. I’m in my forties and the inside of my head is not a good place.
Shaz
April 21, 2017I’ve self harmed since primary school, I’m 48 now still do it. I’ve lived for my kids- they’re grown up now, so y shud I live now?
Wedge
April 24, 2017Shaz, what makes you different from your kids? Why are you not allowed to live for yourself, but they are? What makes you different and worse than the other 7 billion people on the planet?
What I’m saying, is that you have the same rights and opportunities as everyone else. Just as you support and love your children, you deserve and need support and love too.
Life should never be about one thing; there is more to life than being a parent. Sorry, but your kids are independent individauls – that’s what you helped them to become! You’ve always needed to live for yourself, you just forgot that while you were so involved with motherhood. Although you’re late, it’s never too late to develop new interestes, friends, and relationships. Just as you want and expect your kids to tase life and enjoy what the world offers, you too have to do that.
The purpose of life is to create your own purpose. And if that seems too hard, then do something to help others.
Right now, things feel tough and you absolutely need and deserve help and support. In time, you can choose different things to do that help you manage your emotions, and they you can move away from the self-harm. Talk to someone this week. Maybe it will have to be your gP, but your GP can put you in touch with a counsellor to talk about your sadness, and maybe your self-harm too.
Joeys
April 18, 2017Thank you x
Joeys
April 13, 2017I haven’t self harmed for 19 years, I am now in my 30s. I needed stitches but never had any, I never show my arms,I have always been ashamed. I now have two young children and am desperately wanting to cut myself. I hurt myself because my children having such a weak mum. I know if I cut I will hate myself more and want to cut more why does cutting help me cope with just life stresses why do things hurt so much?
Wedge
April 17, 2017You’re not ‘weak’. None of this has anything to do with ‘strength’. There absolutely *can* be too much going on to cope with, and sometimes (often) we need to take time for self-care. Further, and this is crucial, we need to learn new ways of coping. We can’t just rely on the three things we like to do when under stress – we have to develop a multitude of coping tactics in order to cope with the multitude of stressors in life. As life changes, so do we, and so must our ways of coping. Leaning a new way of coping takes time. You can use distraction techniques to start you off, but you then need to develop more sophisticated ways of releasing stress and relieving distress. As you know and say, self-injury doesn’t help in the long-term. It’s a short-term pratice that you can change to something else. You need and deserve help in changing bits of your life. For now, please explore our site for ideas.
Wedge
April 12, 2017Charybdis, some drugs should only be taken for a short time; after the short time, your body becomes reliant on the drug – your doctor is probably worried about what the drug has done to you after ten years, even if it was helpful in the first year. Talk to your doctor about weaning yourself off this drug over a period of years (not months, it may take years). And then talk to your doctor about getting counselling or exta support to help with the stress. You need and deserve more support.
Charybdis
April 12, 2017Charybdis
My doctor says the prescribed drugs I’m on are bad. After 10 years on them, I can’t take the stress. I started cutting. I guess it’s better than drinking.
SAD
March 31, 2017Dear Wedge, thank you so very much for your reply to my message. I have sat here and read it over and over again. I do need to change I know. And things need to change right now.
I keep hoping things will just get better but I feel like I’m going backwards rather than forwards, which is probably being caused by all of the bad childhood memories being brought back up to the surface. Not that they ever went away mind you, it’s just that the psychology sessions have brought them back even stronger. My mind feels like such a mess and I seem to be losing my memory of recent events..which is scaring me quite a bit.
I know I need to change I’m just at a loss on how to do that. I will definitely take your suggestion of talking to my psychologist about stronger coping mechanisms. I also need to tell her about the amount of alcohol that I’m drinking (which I haven’t done because I feel so ashamed that I’ll be considered an alcoholic). I don’t know how to change how I feel about food. I find it very difficult to eat. I have to try & force myself. Something I’ve never had to do before in my whole life. It’s a very strange feeling to have. Not eating but not ever hungry. That’s just not the normal me.
Anyway, thank you again for your reply and for pointing out that I can’t just leave things as they are, & that I need to do something to change them now and not in a few weeks time. Thank you for making me feel that there has to be an urgency to all of this. I will keep your message as a reminder to try harder and to not just think things will be okay in the end if I don’t make the changes I need to make right now.
Thank you
SAD
March 30, 2017I have never self harmed before in my life but a few months ago I started cutting myself & now I can’t stop. I was sexually abused for pretty much my whole childhood and went through severe depression after the birth of my child and eventually came out of it. I’ve struggled on & off with it though for most of my life.
I’m now 49 and due to a lot of things happening in my life, including ill health (I had to quit my job because of it), over the past few years. I have gone downhill quite drastically over the past 12 months. I’ve been diagnosed with depression & severe anxiety. Im on medications which seem to have made a bit of a difference. I’m now seeing a psychologist and I’ve told her about the cutting. She gave me suggestions on what else I could do instead (rubber bands on the wrist, etc) but I just don’t get the same relief so I keep going back to it. I’m also drinking heavily. And I’m sure that is to blame for a lot of the times when I cut. Not having as much self control to try and stop myself. But the drinking numbs me for a while so I can feel relaxed & happy in the evenings and, even though I know it’s bad for my health, I really don’t want to give it up. I’ve also really gone off food. I just don’t feel hungry. If I manage a meal a day then I’m doing well.
I just can’t believe this is all happening to me at my age! I feel so ashamed. I rarely leave the house. I just don’t want to be around people. I feel so ridiculous and guilty. I just wish I knew how to stop all of this and feel somewhat normal again.
It makes me sad to see just how many of you that are out there living with the same or similar problems.
Just wish I could flick a switch and make everything alright.
Wedge
March 30, 2017I’m glad you’re getting pro support. It sounds like you know how dangerous it is to drink and miss food – such behaviour would make anyone ill, and you yourself absolutely need your strength and thinking faculties. Please talk to your psyche about real coping mechanisms (not simple distraction methods like rubber bands). You’re currently using self-injury, alcohol, social avoidance, and food restriction to cope with your deep emotional wounds – it’s imperative that you develop a range of new coping mechanisms so that you can leave the destructive behaviours behind. You deserve, and are in need, of direct support. Do not let yourself spiral down. This is a very important time in your life; do not give another inch, you must take postive steps or else you may find yourself losing everything you have. Do not imagine that you’ll be “OK” for a few more weeks, this is urgent and important.
V
March 30, 2017I have PTSD,have had it for twenty three years. I had a break down last year and ended up cutting myself. It was such a release, I felt it helped at the time even though it really stigmatised me afterwards. I’m 44, have a young family. My wife was not supportive, I felt like a burden. I still do.
We were on holiday last week. On the last day, driving home she started telling me off about a job application. I’m in work but am looking for a new job. She went on and on and on for around three hours whilst I drove back. When we got home, after I sorted the kids out and unpacked the car, I went into the kitchen, made a cup of tea and cut myself.
Just enough to give me something to distract me but they have scarred. This is happening more and more. But reading some of the comments here really helps.
I cut myself a lot last year. And when I was a teenager. I guess I’m ‘surfing the urge’ as I type this at four am.
El
March 29, 2017It is one of those evenings. You wouldn’t think it to look at me. I’m a talented professional teacher in a well paid position that I adore. I’ve got a clean house, nice family and here is sit with my chicken roast in the oven with handmade stuffing and I’m thinking about how I might hurt myself. I’m 34 years old and I’m suffering.